A Moment of Weakness

The other day, I sat there and I thought of my own mortality. To be clear, I've been very positive in both thoughts and spirits ever since I received the cancer news. However, to be positive all the time can be exhausting so I'm allowing myself sometime to feel other feelings in the range of feelings that I'm allowed as a human. 

So I thought about my grandparents who have all passed away and all of my lovely animals who also had left me for the better world. I thought that maybe I've done good enough. Maybe I've helped people and animals enough that this illness is actually a blessing. A blessing in a sense that maybe I get to die earlier so I could meet all of my loved ones who had passed away. Maybe I'll see Suppy, Xammy, Bandit, Socks, Soy Sauce, Junior, Rocky, Curry, Junie, Smoke, Nashoba, Tanookie, Buster and so many other animals that I have met and loved. That made me miss them a whole lot and I cried. I cried with relief that my own mortality isn't so bad after all. That perhaps this is all for good. 

Then I went back to being positive and happy again soon after. But it was nice to be able to not have to hold up the happy face. Because I know that people who love me will instantly feel sad that I'm sad and will want me to be happy and cheery. But that is exhausting to have to hold up this cheery feeling 100% of the time. Sometimes, I just want to be able to be normal again and be okay with feeling sad once in a while. 

Here's a picture of Cocoa Bean back when his name is Cricket and he was a kitten at the shelter the first time I met him. He's the kitten in the lower cubby. He was adopted out then, was not being taken care very well by his adopter and was returned about a year after that. But since his return, we have adopted him and he's a very beautiful and truly happy cat now. He is the literal definition of happy because when he runs around and does his Cocoa Bean things, you can tell that he's a happy boy. Here he is now: