Strength Origin

Last week, I was at home moaning and groaning due all of the tumors in my bones, my dad told me "You have a strong spirit" and my mom said "I wish I could carry all of your pain for you."

I looked at these two people sitting in front of me. Both have grown up in abject poverty, have gone to bed hungry more than they can remember in their lives, robbed of their potentials because of war and other unfortunate events. My dad survived five years of communist labor camp in hunger and illnesses. My mom had nothing and basically had to complete her own birth certificate before they would allow her to move onto the 2nd grade. But still, she put herself through school and became a midwife like she wanted.

My parents have gone through so much, lost so much, suffered so much physical and emotional pain. They have given up their lives to move to an entirely different country in their late 40s with a few boxes of possessions to rebuild their lives from the very beginning. And yet, they are so resilient that they can sit here and watch cartoons with me, laugh with me, laugh with their friends, still find time to help out their friends. My parents have gone through uncountable hardships and they still think I have a strong spirit and they wish they could carry my pain for me so I don't have to.

My oncologist told me that I have "amazing inner strength." Little does he know that it's because I was created, nurtured, and cared for by the two strongest and most resilient people in the world. I aspire to be like my parents and always bounce back no matter how much is thrown at me. These two seemingly normal people are the giants of my world. Life was hard for them but they survived it and they didn't let it break them.

I will still moan and groan about my pain but I will remember that it's not the worst in the world and it's not permanent. I will emerge to the other side of the pain unbroken like my parents.

New Chapter/New Paragraph???

Starting on Thanksgiving Day, my left toes got a little numb. Just a little bit. So the Monday following Thanksgiving, I emailed my doctor. By that time, there's a tiny bit more pain on the top of the foot running to about middle of my calf.

My doctor ordered an MRI. About a day later, the pain got bad. Like really bad. Like I couldn't help but cry bad. I emailed my doctor again and he prescribed some pain medications, and ordered a PET scan in addition to the MRI. 

The MRI of my lumber region came back showing a little bulging disc at the L2. I was still complaining about the pain so he sent me to a physical medicine and rehab doctor. So this doctor said: you got the bulging disc and most likely because you have a weak core and back. So she sent me to a physical therapist. So if you have been reading this blog and know how this story started a year a half ago. You know how physical therapists or doctors of physical medicine love telling me that I'm weak blah blah. I'm not fucking weak! 

So yeah, whatever, I haven't exercised in a year or more, so maybe I am weak. Got shown really basic exercises that I crushed! Because I'm not fucking weak, man! 

I went in for my PET scan on 12/12/18. Today, 12/14/18, I went in to meet with my doctor to go over the PET scan. I showed up and the nurse is all ready to give me my injection which I don't know about. So I said, can I talk to my doctor first before I get my injection? Yes. Cool. 

So no more cancer cells in my soft tissue area like my breasts and liver as noted last time. However, cancer in my bones are still there. The spots that have tumors three months ago still has it. But then there are new tumors and more larger tumors in the previous spots! Ay! The tumor at my tailbone from last time has grown. It has grown and put pressure on the nerves going down to my left leg and foot. So the excruciating pain in my foot and leg is due to both the disc and the tumor. 

Seriously, I can't feel my toes and unless I take a hydrocodone, I cry every night due to the pain and can't sleep. Why? The drugs I was taking are no longer effective. My cancer has found a way to be resistant to the drugs. Normal people would be on this drug cocktail for two years before they develop a resistance. My cancer is just like me, very efficient and good at its job. It figured out how to resist the drug in less than a year. 

So we're switching to a new drug and radiation at my tailbone to relieve me of this awful pain in my foot and leg. 

It's not the best news but also not the worst news. At least the cancer is at an organ that's not life threatening. It seems to like my bones. And there are still many many things to try. And there are clinical trials. 

The nurse came back to give me my new drug injection. She was surprised because I seem to be so happy and positive compares to other cancer patients. I told her that it already happened and there's no reason to be sad about it. Just look forward to treating it. I also told her that I have a really strong support system and they are the best. She didn't seem convinced. Little did she know how strong my family and my group of friends are. People wish they have family and friends like mine. I would go into battles with these people. I don't need to do a test trust fall because I know that I would never ever ever be let down ever. I am still more blessed and loved by more than people I can count in this world. I would be stupid and ungrateful to be sad.